faith

You Don’t Have a Bucket: when what we need feels out of reach

/ bekaburnsblog / 1 Comment

“If you knew the gift of God, and who is saying to you, “Give me a drink,” you would ask Him, and He would give you living water.”

–John 4:10

—

There’s a lot more than I’m used to going on right now.

As we push out of survival mode and into the direction we’ve been given, I often wrestle with fear that it’s all too much and I hoped a little too big.

We bought land and built a driveway, expecting to move to the forest and use it pour into people. But so far, we’ve felt unexpected leading to wait on construction. I thought we’d be building a house now. Instead, we are building a bench. A place to sit in the quiet and meet with the Lord.

It’s a solid place to start. That’s the whole heartbeat of the project. But I also thought more of a plan would have come together at this point, and it’s easy for me to strain over why we don’t have in place the clarity, direction, and resources to be doing more yet. I’m content to just walk forward and do the next thing. I can be okay with waiting or with the Lord doing something entirely different. We’re His and so is the land. I just wish I knew what to expect. Sometimes, I ache for the answers.

I’m preparing to travel overseas, to pass on or pack up our belongings. To grieve and to encourage. To try to love on our team there, say goodbye well, and press into what’s next whole-heartedly. I’m trying to set my family up for when I’m gone, homeschooling my first grader, driving kids to appointments and classes, balancing training with our new role with continuing to serve at the Homes Garage. The scan to check if my tumor has come back is next week, my son’s brain scan is a few days later, the plants are dying and need water, my kids put a towel in the oven, we’re potty training and I’m mopping up an accident while teaching addition.

And then my three-year-old hid my keys. (I think).

By morning, I still hadn’t found them, I had forgotten to ask Cody to leave me his truck key before he left for work, it was time to leave for an appointment, I’m getting shoes on the kids, my calls aren’t going through, and it was bucketing rain. I needed my keys and I couldn’t find them and my full plate felt like it was starting to crack. Ever been there?

Is it the keys I really need? Is it the answers?

—

I’ve been going through the Gospels over the last month and paying attention to people’s objections when Jesus invited, offered, or told them to do something.

Jesus: “Peter, go out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch.”

Peter: “Lord, we’ve worked hard all night and caught nothing, but if you say so…” (Luke 5:5)

—

Jesus: “Would you like to get well?”

Sick Man at Bethesda: “I can’t, for I have no one to put me into the pool!” (John 5:2-9)

—

Disciples: “This is a remote place, it’s getting late, send the crowds away.”

Jesus: “that won’t be necessary, you feed them.”

Disciples: “But we only have 5 loaves and two fish!”

Jesus: “Bring them to me.” (Matthew 14:15-18)

—

Over and over, I saw people identify that their supply was exhausted and that what they needed was out of reach. Just like I do. Over and over, people missed that the One they were talking to WAS what they needed. Just like I do.

My favorite was the woman at the well:

Jesus: “If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me, and I would give you living water.”

Woman: “But sir, you don’t have a rope or a bucket, and this well is very deep. Where would you get this living water?” (John 4:10-11)

Can you imagine? The One who holds the oceans in the palm of his hand offered to give her living water, and she told Him He actually couldn’t be of help because He didn’t have a bucket.

She told God He couldn’t reach what she needed. Just like I do.

But He caused fish to swarm their nets, He cured a thirty-eight year illness without moving the man to the pool, and He satisfied thousands of guests from one boy’s lunch without running out for refills.

And He had the stories of what He did written down over and over for us to rehearse, because through them, He says, “You don’t actually need to reach what’s over there. I’m right here. You don’t need the pool. You need me. It doesn’t matter how deep that well is, I am the wellspring of life. I don’t need a rope or a bucket, or a new fishing spot, or fresh, rested workers. I don’t need to go get more ingredients, I don’t need to be able to reach the shops, I don’t need more than what you have right here and right now. You might need a breather, but I don’t. Because I am your supply. It’s me. I’m here. I am what you need. Don’t tell me what I can’t do. Just ask me to help.”

I’ve been fighting feelings of overwhelm, lack and confusion. I’m hitting the limits of what I can predict or expect, and realizing over and over that I just don’t have the control or power to bring about what I’m hoping for. But the more I’ve gotten to know mature believers, the more I realize many of them are also carrying question marks toward what’s ahead.

Our culture hates a question mark. We cherish specific, measurable, attainable goals with a deadline. We love a plan we can wrap our minds around. We’re more comfortable with a God who needs to use a bucket and rope to reach water, just like we do, maybe just a little stronger. We don’t know what to do with the real thing.

But I’m realizing those question marks are not a problem. They’re the mark of humility. They’re the mark of a soft heart that’s willing to change course as the Spirit leads. They’re the mark of wisdom that has learned we serve a God that is beyond our understanding, and with all we have learned about Him, we still cannot fathom what He will do next.

And so I will fight my temptation to object when He leads me somewhere confusing and I don’t see the supplies I think I’ll need. I can respond with an objection or with a question mark. With a demand or with humility.

Will I say, “But you don’t have a bucket!”
Or will I say, “Lord, this is a question mark for me. I have no idea how you are going to give me water, even without a bucket. But I know you don’t need one. Please be my supply. Please help.”

As I take stock of the pressures and worries of my heart, where do I object? Where am I telling God that He doesn’t have a bucket? Where am I complaining that what I need is out of reach? What would it look like to let go of needing to understand when and how He’s going to fix it, to mark that situation with a question mark, and bring it to Him for help? What changes as I get still and remember that He is who He says He is and that this is not too hard for Him?

Oh Lord,

May these moments of reading about you questioning, inviting, testing, and challenging people; then watching you overcome lack, limitation, overwhelm, weariness and depth put to rest my objections for the sake of “If you say so, Lord.”

May what you have to say always be enough for me.

I have been drowning in objections, but I am listening. I feel in over my head. But nothing is too hard for you. You always have more than enough to give.

Jehovah Jireh.

May I not strain to bring things together, but breathe and wait for you to work.

“Be still in the presence of the Lord,
    and wait patiently for him to act…”

–Psalm 37:7

I don’t HAVE to reach here or there. Lord, I feel all these pressures to meet other people’s needs, to meet my own. But they don’t NEED me. They need you. And you have it in hand. So it has to be you, Lord.

“…So this joy of mine is complete. He must increase, but I must decrease.”

–John 3:29-30

Please give what I do not have to give. Please come provide what I cannot provide. Please let your power rest on me in my weakness. Please pour out living water, given without measure. Help me to listen to your Spirit. Guide my steps. Teach my heart. Lead me into all truth. I need you. I need wisdom. Please give it liberally, as you promise to. Help me to recognize it and lean on it. Help me to perceive your voice – and then, not to object. Because if you say so, that is enough.

There is no greater wisdom than to do something, just because that’s what you said to do. I don’t need to be able to make sense of it or explain it.

Lord, root out my unbelieving objections. Teach me to replace them with question marks, and allow those unknowns while I wait on you. I don’t know what’s ahead, which way to go, or have control. Teach me still to hope, while letting go of my need to claim specifics I don’t have. I can accept that there are unknowns I have no way of clearing up until I reach them, and yet I do not have to fear them. To admit I do not know what is coming is not the same thing as fearful timidity. I can do it with humble boldness.

Because You are there. Out in front, in the future, on the waves, in the dark, beckoning me to follow even though You have not shown me what you will do or how you will rescue.

You do have control. You do know the future. You are writing it. Nothing is too hard for you, so I will not be afraid.

I can get before you, right here, where it feels like it’s time to send the crowd away because I don’t have enough. I’ve worked hard all night and caught nothing and I’m spent. I don’t have a bucket. I can’t reach the pool.

And you will say, “But I am here. I am with you. Don’t worry. Stand still and watch what I will do.“

“Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!

 For who can know the Lord’s thoughts?
    Who knows enough to give him advice?[l]
And who has given him so much
    that he needs to pay it back?[m]

For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen.“

–Romans 11:33-36

“Who else has held the oceans in his hand?
    Who has measured off the heavens with his fingers?
Who else knows the weight of the earth
    or has weighed the mountains and hills on a scale?
13 Who is able to advise the Spirit of the Lord?[c]
    Who knows enough to give him advice or teach him?
14 Has the Lord ever needed anyone’s advice?
    Does he need instruction about what is good?
Did someone teach him what is right
    or show him the path of justice?

15 No, for all the nations of the world
    are but a drop in the bucket.
They are nothing more
    than dust on the scales.
He picks up the whole earth
    as though it were a grain of sand.“

–Isaiah 40:12-15

 “Then Job replied to the Lord:

2 “I know that you can do anything,
    and no one can stop you.
3 You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’
    It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about,
    things far too wonderful for me.“

–Job 42:1-3

A Quiet Place & Tractors

/ bekaburnsblog / 1 Comment

by Cody


“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be honored by every nation.
    I will be honored throughout the world.”

–Psalm 46:10

—

Right now, I am serving as the mechanic for the Homes of Ethnos 360. That means I work on pretty much anything that moves, and a lot of stuff that doesn’t. A big part of my job is maintaining and repairing the heavy equipment our team uses to maintain the property.

We have an assortment of machines, including a few small tractors, a mini excavator, a skid-steer, and two backhoes. These machines can take quite a beating when they are put to work, and it takes a lot of maintenance to keep them going. If not greased, the pins and bushing start wearing out. Radiators can get clogged, leading to overheating and serious damage. Fluids get low, or dirty, and need to be changed. Plus parts just get worn out or break sometimes.

Why am I talking about tractors?

I think that we are a lot like tractors when it comes to maintaining our spiritual life. We have so much to do and we can run ourselves ragged, forgetting that we were created with souls that need to stop and rest and connect to our source of life and strength. We get so busy, even working FOR God, that we neglect our walk WITH God.

In Luke 5:15-16, it says:
“Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.”

Here we see Jesus choose quiet connection with the Father, even at the cost of ministry. There were crowds of people, but he withdrew.

And in Mark 1:35-39, it says this:
“Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. Simon and his companions went to look for him, and when they found him, they exclaimed: “Everyone is looking for you!” Jesus replied, “Let us go somewhere else—to the nearby villages—so I can preach there also. That is why I have come.” So he traveled throughout Galilee, preaching in their synagogues and driving out demons.“


Here again, people are looking for Jesus, and He is out praying. His dependance on the Father required time with the Father. He was not afraid to disappoint people to spend time with the Father, or to leave to the next place in obedience, even when those people there still wanted more from him.

“One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray, and spent the night praying to God.“
–Luke 6:12


“Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray.”

–Matthew 14:22-23


In all these verses, we see that Jesus made a habit of stopping the work, and finding a quiet place to rest and connect with the Father. If Jesus, the Son of God needed it, then I definitely do!

So why do we find it so hard to make a regular practice of it sometimes?

In my life, when I feel too busy to maintain my heart, it is usually rooted in fear. I’m afraid I won’t have enough time. I’m afraid it won’t get done right if I’m not there doing it. I’m afraid of disappointing someone else. But fear is a harsh taskmaster. Fear does not have your best interest in mind. And God’s Word has a lot to say about fear.


Philippians 4:6-7 – “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”


We are to operate out of peace and confidence, not fear, anxiety and hurry.


Exodus 14:13-14 – “Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”


Psalm 46:10 – “Be still, and know that I am God…”

Isaiah 30:15 – “In repentance and rest is your salvation; in quietness and trust is your strength...”


One of my mentors often says, “It’s not a waste of time to stop and sharpen your tools.” And he is so right. It is faster to stop and sharpen your axe before cutting the next tree than it is to press on to that next tree and beat it down with a dull axe. Our bodies need physical rest, and our souls need quiet refreshment with our Savior. Fear says “I don’t have time to stop.” Faith says “This doesn’t depend on me, God tells me to stop, and I can trust him to carry the work to completion if I take a break.” We have to remember that our most important work, whatever it is, depends on Him, not on us.


In John 15:5, Jesus reminds us:
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”


Psalm 127:1-2 says this:
“Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat—for He grants sleep to a those He loves.”


In our own effort, we strive and fight. But God’s Word reminds us that our efforts are not enough. We must rely on His strength, and we must remember that He is the one accomplishing what He is doing – even what He is doing through us. He is the vine, and I need that connection with Him for life and for fruit.

So when we find ourselves working hard, and feeling the pressure of the task; when we are tempted to push and strain because it all depends on us, we need to pull in to the shop and do a little maintenance on our hearts. We need to rest physically. We need to connect with our Savior and find His peace in our souls. Then, we are ready to get back to work, and we will be in better shape to do the work well.

A Time to Quit Searching: new strength and living water

/ bekaburnsblog / 2 Comments

—

“…your strength will be renewed each day like the morning dew.”

-Psalm 110:3

“He renews my strength…”

-Psalm 23:3

—

How’s this week going? Are you weary? Is there anything sapping your reserves? Have you pushed hard and still lost progress? Have you tried to recover but it’s never enough and the needs keep pushing you further into deficit?

Do you need new strength?

Let me tell you a story where I wound up crying in public by a giant fish tank.

And let me tell you that I wish this type of story was a rarity. There are times I can have a lot of grit, but get to know me well enough, and you will see my tears.

This story begins with a lump in Benaiah’s abdomen that we’ve been dismissing for a while. Surely he’s just a little constipated. Then we were keeping an eye on it with his pediatrician. It’s probably something that’s going to resolve on its own, but it’s been just stubborn and long-lived enough that it turned into another trip for imaging at the Children’s Hospital, because it’s Benaiah. And with Benaiah, my crazy medical story child, our doctor says, “We err on the side of ruling things out early.”

This imaging trip had me carrying a fasting, cranky toddler in his pajamas through several levels of parking garage to hospital registration at 7 am last week. Just another round of medical stuff to rule out and check off and hopefully move on from. We can get through this, I breathed, and smiled at him, willing this day to go smoothly.

But then I learned that for an abdominal ultrasound, the child has to hold still while the technician presses pretty hard on their stomach with the wand in order to get clear imaging. No problem, I’ve held Benaiah still for many, many tests and procedures at this point.

But then I learned the child’s abdominal muscles have to relax for them to get clear imaging. They cannot be fussing or fighting AND they have to hold still WHILE repeated sweeps of the ultrasound wand (coated with a gooey gel they will be freaked out by) presses uncomfortably deep into the area they’re supposed to hold relaxed.

And that is where I started to wonder how I was going to convince Benaiah. The ultrasound tech, manager, child life services, and I worked at it with him for an hour and 45 minutes. We tried water play, bubbles, shows, toys, bribery and distraction to no avail. Then we looked across the room at each other and our eyes registered the reality together: we were not going to get what we came for today. Maybe a different child. Maybe a different age. But Benaiah, at this age, with this imaging modality would have needed sedation to cooperate.

We wrapped up with deep sighs and I walked out of the room with my dignity (mostly) intact. I wandered the many hallways back toward the parking garage, asked a polite doctor for directions to coffee in a dead tone, eventually found a cool, giant fish tank for Benaiah to look at, and plunked into a chair so I could bury my head in my hands and have a private cry before attempting the hour drive home.

It’s not my fault. It’s not his fault. It’s not the doctor or the tech’s fault. It’s just hard. It’s so hard.

Not all by itself, but as another layer on top of everything else. It’s hard to expend the energy and not make headway. It’s hard to circle back for yet another appointment, yet another round of testing. To hold the possibilities that probably he’s okay, but maybe there’s something else we need to address with a child that regularly has a good number of things in both categories.

Benaiah babbled excitedly about the fish and I quietly cried, wiped tears, and cried a little more, trying to collect myself to drive safely. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up.

There was the child life specialist. The very one who had labored alongside me for an hour and 45 minutes to try get a glimpse of what was going on inside Benaiah’s abdomen. She dropped down next to me and spoke softly, “There’s a reason I happened to be walking this way. I’m here. What do you need?”

“Just new strength, I guess,” I sniffed. “I used up what I had for today and it didn’t make a difference. So I need to know there will be more for the next round. I need to remember that I will have what I need for him when he keeps needing more.”

She nodded with understanding.

And in my heart, there was a quiet nudging:

My mercies are new each morning. I renew your strength. On a new morning when you are facing the next round or re-do, your strength will be new for it. But you don’t need to face all that now. You just need to enough to drive home.

The child life specialist hugged me and whispered, “it’s okay that he needs extra help. We have plenty of help to give. It’s there if you ask for it. Just keep asking.”

I took a deep breath and I asked and enough strength came to face the rest of the walk to the parking garage. I buckled my seatbelt, closed my eyes, took another deep breath and asked. Enough strength to navigate to the coffee shop. I breathed easier and laughed at Benaiah wildly scrambling to climb the rails as we waited in line at a breezy outdoor coffee hub and the sunshine warmed my tear-stained skin. Enough strength to handle the interstate. And so on went my day. When I removed what I wasn’t meant to face right then, there was enough strength after all.

When things go differently than expected or I’ve worked so hard and I still need to re-do something, I don’t have to have the strength right then to immediately rally for another go – just the strength to work through the disappointment and pivot. When it’s time to try again, there will be new strength on that day to face it.

There is enough for this next step. But not if I’m carrying the not-right-now things, too.

“[There is] a time to search and a time to quit searching…Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time…He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.”

-Ecclesiastes 3:6, 11

My heart was built to know that there’s more to the picture than what I see. The seed is knowing there’s more and yearning for it. The fruit will be stepping into all that is coming. All that He has prepared for us.

Eternity is planted in our hearts, but it is not yet harvest time.

it takes trust to let go of trying to see it all when the pieces I can see don’t seem to piece together. It takes humility to remember that even though I was built to know there’s more to the picture, I am not yet meant to see the whole scope.

Lord, you know all the things I do not and that’s enough.

Many questions I tend to carry. But there’s a time to search and a time to quit searching.

Because no matter how hard and how desperately I search, I will not be able to capture the breadth of all you’re doing. I could never truly get my bearings on how vast your understanding is, on how much of your heart and planning goes into every detail. I could never stretch far enough to even get the sum-up of it, so I could assess whether I agree.

Nor would I, if I searched for all I’m worth, get the measure of the breadth of your love for me, but it would be a far better exercise.

“And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully….”

-Ephesians 3:18-19

“He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding.”

-Isaiah 40:28

Lord,

I DO grow weak and weary. And my understanding leaves much to be desired.

I find myself tired and heavy-hearted and needing you once again.

I need to be encouraged. I need to sense your care for me. I need a light, trusting heart to go into my day with these beautiful boys whose needs I could never be adequate for. Especially after a brutal, sleepless night with a toddler screaming that his legs hurt.

Without you, I can do nothing.

With you, overwhelming victory and peace that passes understanding, and joy in every circumstance: these things belong to me.

Teach me to walk in them, Lord. In your unfailing, sustaining, glory strength, not in my weak, striving strength and darkened understanding.

“Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.”

-1 Corinthians 13:12

“We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we are ourselves are like fragile, clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves…That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.”

-2 Corinthians 4:7, 16

“The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.”

-Lamentations 3:22-23

These are the promises I will cling to.

Great power. New Strength. Fresh Mercy.

Every. Day.

Every day, you, the living fountain, supply all these things anew.

“For you are the fountain of life. The light by which we see.”

-Psalm 36:9

So it is okay that I reach a point where I feel parched and drained and empty and look at what’s before me wondering “How in the world, Lord?”

That’s the right question. And it’s the one you have always answered with, “I will be with you.”

“…Then the Lord turned to him and said, “Go with the strength you have and rescue Israel form the Midianites, I am sending you.”

“But Lord,” Gideon replied, “How can I rescue Israel?”

…The Lord said to Him, “I will be with you and you will destroy the Midianites as if you were fighting against one man.”

-Judges 6:13-16

“This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

-Joshua 1:9

“But Moses protested to God, Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?”

God answered, “I will be with you. And this is your sign that I am the one who has sent you: when you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God at this very mountain.”

-Exodus 3:11-12

“Jesus came and told his disciples, “I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

-Matthew 28:18-20

There is a time to search and a time to quit searching. When you’re searching for new strength, keep searching. Search diligently and find it. Constantly renew your efforts to press into Him and don’t stop short with the flagging, failing strength of human effort alone.

“Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek Him.”

-Psalm 105:4

“Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress”

-Isaiah 33:2

“…We rely on what Christ Jesus has done for us. We put no confidence in human effort.”

-Philippians 3:3

And when you, like me, are running ragged, feeling drained, juggling a thousand needs, thinking through scenarios, numbers, and possible outcomes, yearning for the perfect step to take, and frustrated that your costly effort didn’t produce the headway you expected; When your heart, like mine, is desperately searching for a grasp of what in the world God is doing and feeling frustrated with all the holes in the information you’re trying to piece together, quit searching.

We quickly come to the end of ourselves when we try to prepare for every possibility, or be our own supply for the strength that will be required of us in the steps ahead, or make sense of pain that leaves us with questions that have no simple answers.

We quickly come to the end of ourselves. Let us quickly realize it.

Quit searching and quench your thirst. Drink deeply from the strength that never grows weak or weary. Drink in the love that fills every aching crevice of our hearts and then overflows because you couldn’t possibly pack in anymore but there’s so much more pouring out. Drink in the light that defies our darkness.

Don’t give up. Search for new strength until you stand at the edge of that fountain. Then quit searching and revel in what you’ve found.

“For you are the fountain of life. The light by which we see.”

-Psalm 36:9

“I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you this message for the churches. I am both the source of David and the heir to His throne. I am the bright morning star.”

The Spirit and the Bride say, “Come.” Let anyone who is thirsty come. Let anyone who desires drink freely from the water of life.”

-Revelation 22:16-17

You Light a Lamp for Me: meet the One who produces quiet hearts in dark valleys

/ bekaburnsblog / 3 Comments

—

I’ve made it one year knowing that there is a tumor growing in my body.

The Lord has sure given me grace for this year. And…I carry the awareness that it is there, hiding just beneath my skull, of uncertain nature and uncertain trajectory, surrounded by delicate structures, buried too deep to biopsy, and risky to treat. It has been challenging work to unload that awareness and focus on other things.

This month at my follow-up, one of the Mayo Clinic surgeons offered to operate, so I now have the opportunity to remove it while it’s still small, rather than treat it with radiation down the road. We got the surgery on the schedule and I have a little less than a month to walk through anticipating that. On December 6, the surgeon will begin his work. Mine begins now.

Doing the research and walking through this decision was a struggle. There’s a lot we don’t get answers on until the operation is over, and I’m the type of person that likes to know what to expect.

The fear living in my heart has a really hard time with not knowing the future. It looks at unknowns and says, “I bet this is heading somewhere where you don’t have what you need.” It stresses about what to gather and prepare, but never feels quite secure, even when I’ve prepared all I can. It aches for the things that seem to be going well in other people’s stories.

Fear sings in incessant rounds of “what if” and “if only.”

But peace says, “The most important things are not if’s.”

Oh, what mercy, that peace has broken into the conversation.

I am absolutely floored that, in the wise and careful hands of a God who cares deeply for me, a tumor is actually what dials up the volume so that I will notice a battle where I have been getting slaughtered, and get desperate enough to grab onto the strength I need win.

“You take what the enemy meant for evil and you turn it for good, you turn it for good.”

-Elevation Worship, “See A Victory”

I had some freeze, despair, pull my hair out moments working through both my initial diagnosis and this new round of options and information, but now I think this hard thing, in God’s capable hands, actually gets flipped into the training ground where I learn to take up the fight. Perhaps this is where I finally say,

“ENOUGH! I am done yielding my thoughts and heart to the anxious toil of problem-solving things I can’t control. I will take hold of the peace that is MINE and I will fight for all I’m worth to keep it.”

“You will keep in perfect peace
    all who trust in you,
    all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
Trust in the Lord always,
    for the Lord God is the eternal Rock.”

–Isaiah 26:3-4 NLT

“Peace I leave with you; My [perfect] peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid. [Let My perfect peace calm you in every circumstance and give you courage and strength for every challenge.]”

–John 14:27 AMP

In his discussion of Ephesians 6, MacLaren’s Expositions says this:

“The quiet heart will be able to fling its whole strength into its work. And that is what troubled hearts can never do, for half their energy is taken up in steadying or quieting themselves, or is dissipated in going after a hundred other things.”

My heart is a lot of things: driven, busy, hopeful, productive, vigilant, and determined, but oh, how rarely it is quiet.

And yet that is what the Gospel does. Meeting Jesus, believing who He is, and taking hold of what He has done for you produces a quiet heart. At the beginning, and every time you sit at his feet after.

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

–Matthew 11:28 NLT

“And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts…”

–Colossians 3:15 NLT

Oh Lord,

The load is too big for my shoulders. I cannot bear it. I am a mess – a tightly squeezed mess trying to look and feel like I have all of this managed. Cody’s migraines, Benaiah’s brain, my tumor. Too many. Too many problems to respond to and keep track of all at once. Too many emotions. Too many possibilities. So little control.  

And I’m exhausted.

Can you take over? Please flood my heart with your peace and Let. It. Rule.

You are my peace (Eph 2:14). No data or insight or prep will be sufficient. It has to be you. That’s where my security lies.

You don’t miss one detail. You have kept us from missing it when we needed to intervene on things. Help me trust that you’ve had us all along, and you still have us now. You are faithfully leading us step by step. I’m in the dark about what’s coming, but you are not.  You are over the disease that stalks in the darkness (Psalm 91:6, 9). This surgery scares me, but I feel warning about leaving the tumor.

And I trust your leading. I trust your timing. I trust what you allow.

It is okay that the things that are challenging for me are a struggle. I’m learning. Help me to humble my heart and respond to the things you bring to the surface when it’s frustrating and stressful. You love me and you’re working on these things in me. I will keep needing your grace to encourage my heart, your mercy for my failures, and your righteousness to stand on instead of my own.

I agree with you about me. What mercy and grace you choose to give to me, I will receive happily, for I sorely need it. And where you allow it to be challenging, I will agree with you that I am ready, because you have equipped me for it.

In the past 4 years, I’ve watched my husband and both of my little sons rolled away from me and into an OR. These years have held a heavy, unfolding story of brokenness with little reprieve before we duck back under for another round. I feel my weakness and my weariness often. And I long for relief and resolution. When I’m hit hard, I so quickly think of relief as the place I must reach, somehow, someway, if I’m going to survive this.

But pain is where I press into you and find you sufficient.

You are the steady, strong, unfailing supply no matter how long my time in the deep lasts.

You are the place I must reach for, and you are reachable, when relief is not.

It’s when the fight takes us past where we ever thought we’d be walking, past the last of our endurance, when we collapse and still it keeps hurting: that darkness is where we learn that we want relief, but we don’t need it. And that is a powerful secret to uncover.

When you learn that even though you’re uncomfortable, you do have what you need, right here in the dark, you become something to contend with. Because someone who has found their bearings in the deep places is much more difficult to mislead.

If you’re waiting in the dark, too, I want to encourage you with this. I think our Faithful Teacher is in the business of leading us through the valley of the shadow of death in order to build us into sure-footed followers. We are becoming people who don’t fear discomfort or lose their nerve when it gets confusing, because we are learning to trust our Shepherd.

He is shaping us into the kind of people who can face down dire-looking circumstances and trust that He knows the way to lead us to the other side, and that what our enemy intends to ruin us, He will use to build into us.

One more thought. For you, the one who is doing battle in the dark:

“Finally, be strengthened by the Lord and by His vast strength. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can stand against the schemes of the devil.”

–Ephesians 6:10-11 CSB

It has helped me to remember that we don’t take up armor so we can stand against our enemy’s strength. We’re not warned about his strength here; it is so inferior to our Almighty God, there’s no power contest happening. But what we are warned about is the devil’s schemes: his attempts to get us off-center and worried that this vast strength will fail us.

In whatever you are facing, let me be a voice reassuring you that it will not.

So be strengthened by it. When you’re discouraged and stressed and out of steam, be strengthened by the One who will never fail you, by the One who is all you need in the dark.

Because He is light itself.

—

—

“I will praise on the mountain, And I will praise you when the mountain is in my way.

You’re the summit where my feet are, So I will praise You in the valleys all the same.

No less God within the shadows. No less faithful when the night leads me astray.

‘Cause You’re the heaven where my heart is, in the highlands and the heartache all the same.”

–Benjamin William Hastings/Hillsong, “Highlands (Song of Ascent)”

—

He Will Show Up for You: a gentle word for when your courage is shaken

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“He spoke and raised a stormy wind that stirred up the waves of the sea. Rising up to the sky, sinking down to the depths, their courage melting away in anguish, they reeled and staggered like a drunkard and all their skill was useless.

Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble and He brought them out of their distress.

He stilled the storm to a whisper and the waves of the sea were hushed. They rejoiced when the waves grew quiet. Then He guided them to the harbor they longed for.”

–Psalm 107:25-30

—

Have you been through a storm lately?

Are you in one right now?

Have things ramped up past what you can control?

I love, in this passage, that the storm mounted to a point that all the sailors’ hard-earned skill made no difference. All their courage was overwhelmed and melted away. They were left with nothing but a desperate cry for help.

And that is always enough.

Funny, there’s no skill required for desperate cries. There’s no certain way we should wail for help. It’s not the way you and I show up in those moments that matters. It’s the way Jehovah shows up.

Why do I love how intense the storm got in these chaotic verses? Because I relate to those sailors.

Man, I sure do not have a lot of advice to offer for how to get things to go to plan. But I do have some experience with things falling apart, and with surviving. I have a lot of familiarity with the question, “How will this ever be okay?” That question and I know each other pretty well. I have waded through a ton of overwhelm, discouragement, and helpless tears.

I’m not sure how to help you bear up valiantly under what you’re facing, but if you want someone who understands what it’s like to not be able to bear up anymore – I’m your girl. If you want a fellow scared human being, I’m here. If you have collapsed, just know that I’m sorry, and so have I. I have a whole new level of mercy for when

a person

comes

apart.

I don’t know how to help you not let it get there. Some storms are a lot fiercer than I am. Some discouragement is really heavy.

But I might be able to help you remember that this isn’t over.

Maybe we can tenderly limp together to the feet of the One who IS our strength when we are weak and our hope when our courage fails. When we’ve reached that point that it’s all come apart and we have nothing – absolutely no way to turn it around. When our courage melts and we collapse into a humbled, limp cry for rescue, He shows up.

And the storm that fills us with dread, breaks our scales, and pushes us off the edge of what we are equipped to handle? It still hushes when He “shushes” it. It’s still under his control. The sea doesn’t follow our plans, but it’s still obedient to Him.

And He will guide us to safe harbor.

In her study on Hebrews, Jen Wilkin says this:

“The bottom of the Mediterranean was sandy, but the harbors had bedrock. So in that time, if it was too stormy to navigate safely, the ship would send a small boat ahead into the harbor with the anchor and have them drop it. The ship would wait for the storm to pass before entering, but the anchor had gone before them and held them safe until they could enter the place of rest.

In the same way, Christ took our anchor in. Behind the veil. It holds us safe until we enter calm seas and can follow Him.”

Have you been through a storm lately?

Are you in one right now?

Have things ramped up past what you can control?

He has you.

You are anchored to the harbor. You are going to make it to safety. Cry out to Him when your courage melts. Let Him hold you when you’re in pain. Keep waiting on Him. Keep looking for Him.

He will show up for you, and when He does, He will always be a thousand times more impressive than the storm.

“For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel,
“In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”
But you were unwilling.”

–Isaiah 30:15

“But as for me, I will look to the Lord, I will wait for the God of my salvation, my God will hear me.“

–Micah 7:7

“Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace, be still!” And the wind ceased and there was great calm.”

–Mark 4:39

Hope to Keep Asking: two simple ways God’s power toward us helps in everyday life

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by Cody Burns

—

Have you ever felt powerless?
 
I sure have; and never more than in these last two years. With all our health issues and plans falling out from under us, it has been a crazy ride. Especially with Benaiah, and all that was going on with his little body. There were people all around the world praying for him, and looking back on it, there are so many answers to prayer.  But in the middle of it, we couldn’t see what God was doing. It felt hopeless.
 
I wanted to give up. It felt so hard to keep asking. We prayed and prayed for Benaiah, but instead of him getting better, the doctors kept finding other things wrong with him. Instead of making progress, each step only held more waiting. What if God’s answer wasn’t the answer we were praying for?
 
During that time, I was reading through the book of Luke. I came across the parable of the persistent widow.

 “Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.”
–Luke 18:1 

I really needed that reminder. It gave me the hope to keep asking over and over and over.

Prayer is important and powerful, but sometimes I can forget the incredible gift I’ve been given to boldly approach the Throne of Grace. I’ve been reading in Ephesians recently, and one thing that stood out to me was Paul’s prayers and how he prayed for the believers to experience God’s power.
 
“I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, 19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength 20 he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 21 far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.”
–Ephesians 1:18-21
 
That sounds great! But…what is His incomparably great power for us? How does that apply to my life as I walk through each day and face everything that comes?  That is a huge topic, but there are two simple ways Paul specifically writes about as he prays for the Ephesians to experience God’s power.
 
The first is found in Ephesians 3:16-17a:
 
“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.”
 
His power strengthens our inner being. This allows us to face the hard things of life filled with the presence and peace of Christ rather than the fear that comes so naturally. 
 
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”
–2 Timothy 1:7
 
 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
–Philippians 4:6-7
 
The descriptors in these verses are the kinds of things I want to characterize my inner being when going through hard circumstances. Prayer reconnects us to his power, and to the inner peace He provides, when we’ve lost sight of it. Like Peter, who walked on water until he took his eyes off Jesus. When he looked at the wind and the waves, he began to sink. In that moment he cried out to Jesus. It was not an eloquent prayer. It was not the right words. He did not have the strength to stay afloat, but he cried out to Jesus, and was lifted out of the stormy sea. When we pray, it forces us to stop looking at our own powerlessness, and at the circumstances that have us at a loss, and moves our eyes back on to Jesus, the source of our life; our strength; our salvation. In the hardest things we face, his power gives us the strength to trust Him, to experience his peace, and even to keep coming to Him and not give up.
 
The next way that we experience God’s power is found in Ephesians 3:17-19:
 
“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
 
Paul prays that they will have God’s power, not just to preach the Gospel or do mighty or impressive things; not to change the world; but to grasp God’s love for us. His love is that big and that important. Verse 19 says it “surpassing knowledge.” It is too big for us to know or understand, yet God’s power allows us to begin to grasp it. And when we begin to see and understand it, it allows us to be “filled to the measure of all the fullness of God”(v.19). I don’t know about you, but I’d love for my life and walk with God to be described that way.      
 
These are just two simple, yet vital and practical ways that we, as believers, experience the power of God. His power toward us:

1. Strengthens us in our inner being.
2. Helps us begin to understand the magnitude of his love for us.

 
While prayer is an important way to reconnect us to God’s power and peace, it is not a magic formula.
 
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”
–Ephesians 3:20-21
 
Our prayers are powerful because our God is powerful. He is not limited by our prayers or imagination. I am so thankful for that! My challenge for myself—and for you—is this: Keep praying. Keep hoping. And keep being impressed by Him.