broken plans

Steep Paths: fear, grit, and confidence when the route is harder than expected

/ bekaburnsblog / Leave a comment

“…In all of your ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”

–Proverbs 3:6

—

I got to go for some trail runs up in North Carolina during a visit to my brother’s house this week. The forest and streams were gorgeous, but let’s talk about the terrain.

“This one should take me about 45 minutes.” I had told Cody. Not. Even. Close.

I was not prepared for those steep, root-filled climbs at a running pace. It was painfully slow-going, and because it took so much effort, you can bet I was double-checking my map to make sure I was still on course. When our progress gets more costly, it often prompts our hearts to confirm that we’re headed the right direction. We don’t want all that climbing to be for nothing.

—-

This year at the Sun n’ Fun Air Expo, we got the awesome opportunity to hear, speak into and pray over the dreams of several young pilots who are hoping to go into missions. One of them sent me an email this month with a question:

Were there any times during the journey where it got tough and you were tempted to give up and quit? How did God help you both stick it out all the way?

It was such a great question and putting together my answer was a journey I thought you might like to come along for. So I’ve decided to share my response with you, too. When things get tough and you, like me, may be tempted to quit or start to get nervous that the difficulty level has ramped up because you’ve gotten off track somewhere, I’m praying this encourages you to take heart.

May we meet our obstacles and difficulties with eyes fixed on the One who lights our path and a determination to run even harder toward the good desires He’s placed on our hearts.

—

Dear Abby,

Yes, looking back we had a few moments in particular where we were really tempted to give up. One was when Cody failed a check flight and had to repeat it in school. The program moved fast and some students were just cruising ahead but Cody had to work super hard on each and every flight, and failing one was such a big hit. Especially after we dropped everything, spent all our savings and moved our whole lives thousands of miles from anyone we knew to go after this. It was this terrifying moment of “What are we doing?? What if we got this wrong??” 

Cody’s flight instructor came over for dinner and encouraged us that there are all sorts of different pilots, and he, for one, had to work hard at it when he was learning. It didn’t come easily, but that taught him how to help other people who found it really challenging. He saw how hard Cody was working and reminded us that a failed flight just means you need more time working on something before you add something new, because you want to be comfortable, proficient and focused, not scattered and struggling to keep up. He also reminded us not to doubt, in a moment of difficulty and confusion, something the Lord made clear when we laid the decision before Him in prayer. He said questioning our decisions over and over would only break our confidence, and it was not something we had entered into lightly or carelessly. God would be faithful to communicate if He was leading us somewhere new, but short of that, obstacles and struggle were not good reasons to waver.

That conversation has been really grounding to us throughout the years. It cemented for us that we don’t want to change our minds because something gets too difficult, but only when God gives us something new to go after. In this race, we want to run toward, not from. We want to follow his leading, not constantly question if He really meant it because the path is harder than we expected.

A few years later, after Cody passed school with flying colors (praise Jesus!!), we traveled to Arizona with our two-week-old baby to interview with Ethnos. 

It was meant to be an intense week of flying and testing because they do rule pilots out who aren’t suited for the fast-paced, complicated flying our locations require, and nobody offers reassurance early, they don’t want to give you false hope. Nervous, but excited, we got started. Then two days in, we all got the flu and Cody was missing flight after flight. He was running fevers and weak and couldn’t get out of bed. Again we felt like…did we get this wrong? Is this a ‘no’?

These interviews only happen once a year and the instructors and chief pilots fly in from all over the world to weigh in on the decision. We were running out of days, soon the week would be up! Again, we prayed about it and put our heads together. We told the Lord that we belong to Him and He’s allowed to say no to this and use us some other way, but we asked if the sickness wasn’t his way of saying no, that He would make it possible for us to still interview somehow.

By the end of the week, Cody recovered, and somehow, for each of these crazy busy guys with all their meetings and responsibilities, it all lined up that they had the flexibility to extend their stay three days. Cody completed his flights and we passed the aviation interview!

During our membership interview for the mission itself, one of our interviewers encouraged us: “Listen guys, this is usually the point where I press in with some even tougher questions. But I just watched you go through that and…I don’t really have any more questions for you. I’ve seen what I need to see.“

That was a crazy moment for me because I felt like such a mess, always having things go wrong and fall apart. But this man had watched us and seen God make a way forward, and his sum-up of things was not focused on the messiness, but the willingness to keep going in spite of it.

Our truck broke down several times that summer as we traveled around the country to try to raise support. We ended up having a really low paycheck that month and had to use the credit card to make repairs and get back home. Then the clutch on our truck went out, one month before we were supposed to head to Arizona to begin flight orientation with Ethnos. I was desperate and so tired and discouraged, so I told the Lord, “if you want us there, YOU fix the truck. I’m not spending one more cent to try to force this to happen. If it’s your plan, you do it.”

Then a local shop (whose owners go to our church) donated their space, paid for all the parts, and one of their mechanics gave his time after hours to help Cody replace the clutch. I was humbled and floored. Transmission work is not a cheap!!!

So. Good attitudes and bad attitudes. Grit and fear, determination and failing courage. We have felt it all and it is such a roller coaster. The Lord keeps showing up and He keeps stretching us to wait on Him just a little longer, even a little longer than last time, and we’ve gotten REALLY uncomfortable, but He hasn’t let us down yet!

On this side of things (and in the middle of another unknown where I’m not sure how things will work out), Cody and I have decided that obstacles and difficulty not only litter the right path, sometimes they are the markers of it. There is usually an easier option on our radar somewhere and it is ours to contend with the decision of whether to grasp for it or to keep holding both roads up to the Lord and asking for his leading, even if it’s hard and painful.

Step by step, I’ve started asking the question, “What would I do if I was braver?” The answer to that is usually a good start on the right choice.

Praying for you, Abby! Thanks for the great question!

-Beka

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will guide you with My eye.”

–Psalm 32:8

“Show me Your ways, O Lord;
Teach me Your paths.
5 Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day…

Good and upright is the Lord;
Therefore He teaches sinners in the way.
9 The humble He guides in justice,
And the humble He teaches His way.
10 All the paths of the Lord are mercy and truth…”

–Psalm 25:4-5, 8-10

Frayed: grace to help us when we split under pressure

/ bekaburnsblog / 1 Comment

“You see, we don’t go around preaching about ourselves. We preach that Jesus Christ is Lord, and we ourselves are your servants for Jesus’ sake…We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.”

–2 Corinthians 4:5, 7

—

We’re in the second stage of language learning here in Papua New Guinea. Instead of going to either the classroom or a teaching session out in the village, we’ve been cut loose to learn as much as we can by being with people in their daily lives. Sometimes this means helping in their gardens, washing clothes in the river with them, visiting their homes, or going on a walk and talking with whoever we meet on the way.

One difficulty I ran into last week was this: men and women usually spend their days apart.

Where Cody can pretty freely come and go, it takes a little more legwork and planning to set up a safe way for me get those same experiences. I was brainstorming and doing my very best to meet all the expectations I felt, but one day, my plan fell through and my heart sunk with it.

Cody had a long hike with the men planned that day and with my Plan A out of commission, several people would have had to change their whole day in order for me to get the language time I’d been hoping for. I got disillusioned with how unfair and complicated this process felt. I cried, hard. I miss the structure. I miss our teacher laying out our lessons and making sure everyone was right where they should be. I miss the freedom to just hop in my car and go where I need to go. I miss my mom!

The next morning, one of the sweet ladies here offered to watch Abi for a few hours, and I took the opportunity to reset. I could accomplish all kinds of language study, but if I’m driven by a fearful, panicky, proud heart…what would it be worth?

I asked the Lord to help me accept that part of learning this culture is taking it in stride when a plan doesn’t work out. Part of learning to be faithful is looking for how I can be faithful with what I can do, rather than stressing over what I can’t.

I’m adjusting to a lot of new limitations. And I realize that leaving campus for these language-learning experiences has become, to my heart, a need. An idol, that when threatened, pushes me to distress. I saw that there were pressures I was allowing to influence my choices and forfeit my peace.

I was fearful of falling behind in language. I hate how it feels when I struggle to understand. We do have a really important message and I want to communicate it clearly. But deep down, I think it’s more about my fear than my good intentions. It’s important to me to feel at home, and I’m just plain afraid that I’ll struggle to settle in and I’ll burn out if I don’t get this language down. So there I was, grasping for control and fighting like crazy to set us up here, when the Lord pointed out to me one startling fact:

I had placed my hope for successful ministry and life here on adequate language learning instead of throwing myself upon His grace and strength. Somewhere along the line I decided again that this is up to me. And so, I was blowing a fuse instead of begging for help.

In that moment, I saw all over again that I am a fragile clay jar. And this is by design. It helps to make it crystal clear that any power, gifting, or ability that shows up in my life comes from Christ alone. I am not the savior or the solution to anyone’s need; I am just the stained and battered envelope bearing a message of inexpressible joy:

Help is on the way. You’re going to be okay. Not because I’m here, but because HE is. And look at what He was able to do in me, in spite of all the places I split under the pressure.

Oh Lord,

Please help me to shift my hope to you and you alone. Help my stressed-out heart yield to the rule of your peace. Teach me to surrender the things I am so desperate to control. You have not just set me aside to make sure Cody learns all that he needs. You have different things to teach us, and I am positioned perfectly to learn what you have decided is most important. Make me a humble learner who is willing to learn what you are teaching, rather than rejecting it because I had something different in mind.

As I was looking over our instructions for independent language study, I noticed this breakdown for how to spend our time:

5% – Plan

50% – Participate

20% – Process

25% – Practice

Man, if only 5% of learning depends on planning, I can still learn a ton when the plan goes out the window. Maybe more than if the plan had worked. And I think great learning versus great stress depends on whether I trust the teacher.

You’re changing me. You’re teaching me that YOU are the point, not me. You are freely giving your light and your strength – sending them into my desperate need. I am frayed, but you are unphased, intact, perfect as ever, able to withstand every pressure.

You are the only source of a steady heart. The only thing on earth that can hold us secure through shifting, through trouble, and through our own inadequacy. Lord, I praise your name for who you are and for what you are doing here and now in my life. Lead me as I form my plans for this day, and lead me still when I must take brave steps into unplanned territory.

—

This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet He did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.”

–Hebrews 4:15-16

When Mountains Crumble: a lifeline for the unexpected

/ bekaburnsblog / 5 Comments

“God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!

…The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress.”

–Psalm 46:1-3, 11

—

We were so careful.

We delayed our travel. We waited for negative Covid tests. We wore masks for 3 days of air travel and airports. We finally made it to Papua New Guinea. We quarantined for two weeks. An enormous amount of effort and care went into avoiding any chance of spreading Covid from the U.S to our new home. But when we arrived, it was already here.

One day before our quarantine ended, Covid cases here had reached a point of such concern that all non-essential trips to town were cancelled. Imagine moving your family half the world away with only what you can pack into 9 suitcases and then finding out you can’t go to the store.

I cried.

We got through our first week of language learning, and two residents on our base tested positive for Covid. Classes were cancelled. Sports were cancelled. The market is closed. In order to keep from potentially spreading Covid into the community, we’re not allowed to leave the center. Our leadership is carefully navigating an extremely challenging situation, and they’re doing a great job. But the timing was hard.

When I think about why I came to Papua New Guinea, there is one main reason: to obey Jesus. The path up to this point has been full of so many unexpected turns. He has not landed us where I thought we’d be or in the ministry where I thought we’d serve. But I arrived excited, ready to start our life here, looking forward to what He had for us and how He’d use us.

All the unexpected changes during our first days here sharply revealed the other reasons I had for coming here: other hopes, hidden expectations.

I was excited to explore the beauty of the country. — Ok Beka, what if you can’t leave the base? Was it still worth it to come here?

I was really looking forward to the sports. — What if sports are cancelled and you’re back to running by yourself? Can you still be content?

I couldn’t wait to learn language. — What if you can’t have contact with your language teacher? What if developing the ability to communicate here gets put on hold?

After moving from place to place for our entire marriage, I was looking forward to finally setting up our home. —What if you’re using a house full of things that don’t belong to you? What if settling in and making it yours has to wait?

If the other reasons are stripped away, is obeying Jesus a good enough reason, all by itself?

Can you obey Jesus whole-heartedly, even when what that looks like today is vastly different than what you envisioned? When you’ve prepared for 12 years, and then you get here, but it doesn’t look like what you prepared for – can you trust that God knew exactly what this moment would look like and that He has perfectly equipped you to step into it?

During our class introductions, one of my friends shared a verse from Psalm 16. It was a lifeline the Lord had used to carry her through loss, disappointment, and discouragement in a difficult season.

Set the Lord always before you and you will not be shaken.

Before this month, I would have said, “Yeah! I do that!” But He is starting to show me how often it is something else I set before me. And when that something else lets me down, I get discouraged. I believe that, in His love, my God allows those things to fail me. It’s not wrong to be excited or to look forward to good things. But it is crucial for my heart to re-center on the One who is the source of all those good things – the One who is enough even when all the other reasons are stripped away.

He is taking me to a place where I find my hope in nothing more and nothing less than Jesus Christ – crucified, risen, living in me, victorious, able, sufficient.

If I set Him before me. I will not be shaken. Though the mountains themselves crumble into the sea. Though earthquakes come and oceans roar and plans get cancelled and we lose any inkling of what to expect.

The Lord can use disappointment, difficulty and inconvenience to purify our dependence on him – to teach us the secret of joy. And in the midst of this, I would like to let him.

—-

—

“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart sad?

I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again – my Savior and my God…

I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.

But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me.

And through each night I sing his songs…”

–Psalm 42:5-6, 8

Anchor Rope: untangling our hope from our plans for tomorrow

/ bekaburnsblog / 1 Comment

“Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year….How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow?…What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” Otherwise you are boasting about your own pretentious plans, and all such boasting is evil.”

– James 4:13-16
 

I’ve been under a lot of pressure this week, and the symptoms of that pressure have been messy. I yelled across the house and threw a pillow on the floor. I thought angry thoughts and spoke in harsh tones.


We’ve had a super busy schedule, some changing plans, and a lot of moving pieces we’re trying to keep track of, but I think what threw me the most was an email mentioning that there might be a problem with our paperwork.

We’ve applied for our work permits so we can serve long-term in Papua New Guinea. As far as anyone knew, we had prepared perfectly, but the requirements are changing and getting stricter. We’re working on it, and we’re hopeful that they’ll still let us come, but it’s a wait-and-see situation. It’s an at-the-mercy-of-someone-else’s-decision situation.

I have found that I have a lot of emotions toward this development. In short, it makes me want to pull my hair out. I’m already aching under the pressure every day, because I know we can’t possibly make it all work. We can chase every detail we know of down and something unexpected can still come up. Even if we knew what all the factors were, we couldn’t control them all. We can’t even change ourselves to handle it better.

My stress reveals that I have let myself start thinking my plans are a certain thing. Again.

Oh, how I love to decide that I know what will happen next. It’s pretentious and evil. And it is so, so easy for me to slip into. I love to plan all the specifics as if I’m the one in control. But I’m not. And when I’ve been nurturing my love affair with the planner, I hesitate to depend on the One I need so badly. Just because he might be allowing one of my precious plans to be threatened, I allow that hesitation and fear to make me miserable. And I throw pillows at the floor because I’m so frustrated.

And then there’s Cody, out mowing the lawn like everything will be okay. Just doing the next thing and waiting. Because everything will be okay. Our hope was never in those details.

Oh girl. You’ve got to go get your hope back. Pull it back and pick it up and detach it, strand by strand, from all those pretentious specifics you’ve let it wrap around. Lay the tangled thing at the feet of your Savior and let him braid it into something sturdy: an anchor rope. So every single thread leads to him and his faithfulness.

Then you will not be thrown when things do not go like you expect or when a certain course of action is threatened.

Yes. That plan might not work. But everything will be okay. You’ll be okay. Your family will be okay. Our God knows exactly what you’ll need for the journey you didn’t know to plan for. He knows just how to navigate every turn in the road and he is faithful to use our lives to do the work he is planning, even and especially when it doesn’t line up with what we’re planning.

He’s a good leader. He won’t drag us at such a breakneck speed that we have no option but to drown or let go. He prepares the path and walks it first and lends the strength so that we are surely able to follow the whole way.

Oh Lord,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for trying to take this back and make it mine. I can’t make these plans turn out. I don’t know everything we’ll need for what’s ahead, or if we’ll even get cleared to take the next step. Can you help my heart release the process to you?

Will you help me trust you to get us there?

I want to do a really good job at this and I want to look good doing it. And that leads me to a place where I obsess and get so upset over the lists and the timing and the unknowns. I’m yearning to be perfect, impressive, on-the-ball, ahead of schedule, all-knowing, prepared for everything. But these goals are only throwing me off balance and adding unnecessary pressure.

Help me unhook my hope from prideful ambitions and pretentious specifics. That kind of obsession does not honor you or the people I’m serving. A humble heart holds all its plans up to you as ideas that could be improved upon and takes on the changes that come with great hope for what you are about to do.

“When you came down long ago, you did awesome deeds beyond our highest expectations. And oh, how the mountains quaked! For since the world began, no ear has heard and no eye has seen a God like you, who works for those who wait for him!”

–Isaiah 64:3-4

Let’s take it back to this simple, steadying truth:

There is no God like you.

I am not impressive. But you are. And its not up to me to make your plan work. I am not under all this pressure to see to every detail. I can simply look at, listen to, follow, obey, and be rescued by a God unlike any other.

Again and again, my whole life long, as often as I need you, you will be there. You will exceed my highest expectations, you will handle the things I didn’t see coming, and you will do incredible work as I wait on you.

Nothing surprises you. Nothing threatens your plans. So I will bring this problem before you and ask you to work on our behalf.

Lord, I believe you’ve led us here, to this point, and you are asking us to keep believing you, to keep watching, and to see how you will make a way for us. We trust you, so we can just go mow the lawn while we wait. Because our hope is tied to a sturdy, unchanging anchor, not to our idea of what tomorrow should look like.

“No human wisdom or understanding or plan can stand against the Lord. The horse is prepared for the day of battle, but the victory belongs to the Lord.”

–Proverbs 21:30-31