“And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you…”

–Matthew 6:30

 

I had to get a PICC line placed yesterday.

I’m pretty sure I regress to something like 5 years old when I have to go through a procedure. I should probably be one of the most calm and collected patients since I perform them on other people, but no. I am not. I am not calm. I am not collected.

The doctor was trying to explain all the clinical advantages of the PICC line and the research and I’m just holding in tears and attempting to remain a respectable adult and somehow still communicate “yes I understand, but WILL IT HURT??”

I broke down and made my mom drop what she was doing and come to the hospital so I wasn’t alone. I almost lost it when my arm went numb. I just wanted to be unconscious when they said I would feel some “warmth” running down my arm and I realized that it was blood.

The PICC is in. We all survived. But I am traumatized.

I am so thankful God designed bodies and minds that heal.

12 weeks to go in this pregnancy, and I can’t wait to hold this little munchkin, but I’m also staring down the hurdle of labor and delivery. That is the truly traumatic part of pregnancy and I just can’t even process it because I haven’t even made it to the hurdle yet. I’m not even running. I’m over here crawling my way forward, sobbing and helpless. I am not strong or brave or tough enough for this.

Pregnant. Emotional. In transition.

2800 miles from a husband who’s still a full week away from starting the drive.

New doctors, new care plan, new devices. So many unknowns. And I am raw from the changes.

But today, I will look again to a Savior who treads above the tumult.

He does not waste my difficulty.

He heals my damage.

He freely gives new grace and new strength when mine is exhausted.

And I do not face any of this alone. 

I’m finding that much of what sets me off-balance are fresh assaults of the same, old thoughts:

Why can’t I just have a normal pregnancy like so many other people?

Why can’t something just go like I expected it to?

Why do I break down so easily?

What if I don’t have what I need?

But it is high time to think on truth and order my thoughts in light of Him.

My story does not look like everyone else’s, but that is okay. I can be satisfied with what I have because I have Him. (Hebrews 13:5-6)

I don’t need to be able to anticipate everything to be okay. He knows the course and He is leading. I don’t change course easily, but I am learning how to take those changes in stride, and it is okay to be a beginner and to struggle in the learning process.

I don’t need to be tough or impressive, I can just humble myself and be me. God made me sensitive, things affect me easily, and that is okay. He promises His perfect strength is present with and sufficient for all my weaknesses.

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.
–2 Corinthians 12:9

I will always have what I need. I will not always know what that looks like, but I can breathe and assume that I will be okay because this is not a random dealing out of events and circumstances. As up in the air as everything seems right now, these things are set in order by a God who loves me and has promised to care for me. What I don’t get in specifics, I get in certainty. He will certainly care for me. 

So I can lay the questions to rest, dry my face, and breathe in this reassurance once again:

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty…His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night…Do not dread the disease that stalks in the darkness nor the disaster that strikes at midday…

The Lord says:

I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer. I will be with them in trouble…”

–Psalm 91, excerpts

 

 

P.S. That husband of mine figured out how to get flowers to me from 2800 miles away.